Weight: 127.8 lbs
This whole staying at 127 thing is getting on my nerves. It's now been four damn days...
400 Calories
"Breakfast"
@ 10am - 1 FiberOne Bar (140)
"Lunch"
@ 12:30pm - Crystal Light Pomegranate Lemonade iced tea (5)
"Whatever"
@ 3pm - 1 & 1/2 cups of white rice - (450ish)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 7 : Part II
So, my parents became aware of my ED in January after an accidental drug overdose. Anyways, my mother then informed my older sister of my eating disorder. Since then, she has decided to go on a "diet." Now, she's 6 years older then me and we're couldnt be more distant. I grew up practically an only child. We dont talk, we aren't close - never have been, never will be.
Well today (or a few days ago) my sister updates her semi-popular blog which she posted to my Facebook wall she she is now a size 4. The thing is, my sister is about two incehs shorter then me (I'm 5'2, almost 5'3" and she weighs probably 10-15lbs more then me, so how she is a size 4 is beyond me. I am inbetween a 2 and a 4 right now, but the fact that she BRAGGED about it [to me - in a sense] set me off. She KNOWS i'm struggling with recovery. She KNOWS this is hard for me. She KNOWS not to challenge me on weight-related things. And she does it anyways.
I am so fucking mad. I am beyond mad. I was feeling so good about myself loosing 5lbs in 7 days (I'm on the ABC) but now I'm just like fuck it. It's on. You want to brag about being a 4? In a month I'll be a 0 ...bitch. I know its not healthy but I want to shove it in her fucking face. I want to get sick. Really, really sick - just so I can ask her, "So, do you want to be like me now?" Maybe then she'll realize its not fucking okay to say and do things like that. I'm NOT on a diet, I am Bulimic. She just triggered something really, REALLY bad in me. I've had it up to ^(here)^ this week with my boyfriend dumping me and telling me he doesn't love me anymore, to overwhelming midterms, being super depressed, etc.... I DID NOT NEED THIS.
Day 7.
Weight: 127.8
I never knew how easy I was to stop loving.
Que my heart shattering into a million little pieces. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Can barely breathe... I can't get out of bed. I can't function. Que tossing the diamond promise ring, diamond pendant necklace, and engraved bracelet into a swamp. There's so many "things" he bought me. Clothes. Jewelry. Knickknacks. My Sasha baby.... I dont know how I'm going to do this. Que smashing the valentines day vase into the concrete and shoving a dozen roses down the garbage disposal. He faked and forced this Valentines Day and I'll never forgive him for that.
"I have no interest in continuing any relationship with you."Two and a half years wasted. I never knew how easy I was to walk away from.
I never knew how easy I was to stop loving.
Que my heart shattering into a million little pieces. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Can barely breathe... I can't get out of bed. I can't function. Que tossing the diamond promise ring, diamond pendant necklace, and engraved bracelet into a swamp. There's so many "things" he bought me. Clothes. Jewelry. Knickknacks. My Sasha baby.... I dont know how I'm going to do this. Que smashing the valentines day vase into the concrete and shoving a dozen roses down the garbage disposal. He faked and forced this Valentines Day and I'll never forgive him for that.
After I wash my sheets to get rid of his scent, I'm staying in bed all day. It's really the only place right now that feels safe - where nobody can hurt me.
Also, by March 1st, I'd like to weigh 119 lbs. That gives me 8 days to loose at least 8 lbs. I think I can do it.
Also, by March 1st, I'd like to weigh 119 lbs. That gives me 8 days to loose at least 8 lbs. I think I can do it.
300 Calories
@ 11:00am - 1/2 a glas of lactose free & fat free milk with silmfast high protein powder (95)
@ 12:30pm - 3/4 cup of plain fiberOne cereal (110)
@ 11:00am - 1/2 a glas of lactose free & fat free milk with silmfast high protein powder (95)
@ 12:30pm - 3/4 cup of plain fiberOne cereal (110)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Day 6
Weight: 127.4
Wow. Last night I was really fucked up. I went over to my friend Sammie's place with like 5-6 other people. Played beer pong. Smoked out of her new awesome bubbler. Sammie and I decided sure, lets do a Jaeger Bomb... haven't since I was 18 - but why not? After that followed these amazingly delicious cookie-hashbrownies her and her boyfriend Jensen made. I only had half of one, Sammie had 2 full ones. Those take about 45 minutes to digest and get into your system, so in that 45 minutes we (Sammy, Kaley, and I) did a gravity bong and some salvia. By like 11:00pm my brain was done.
I also had too much fucking food but at least I didn't eat anything all day until about 8pm. Maybe that's why I didn't gain out of it? Two Coors Lights and I had some Hamburger Helper that Sammie offered me and I didn't want to be rude and turn it down. Then I had like 6 rabbit-shaped/easter themed sweet-tart candies. Then of course the brownie, and some cheetos to top it off. I get such a bad oral fixation / clench when I'm high/rolling/tripping. I constantly have to chew something, but I didn't have any SF gum on me. That reminds me to go to the store today and grab a huge pack. And some SF RedBull too. I'm so SO glad I didn't gain any weight. I seriously can't express that enough... I was terrified I would. I told myself I'd stop smoking weed for this very reason. NO MORE MUNCHIES. I need to get on that like asap.
Today is supposed to be a 200 calorie day, but it might be a fast. I'm not sure. I have no apetite right now.
@ 11:00am
"Breakfast" - 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter (380)
Now I'm done for the day.
Wow. Last night I was really fucked up. I went over to my friend Sammie's place with like 5-6 other people. Played beer pong. Smoked out of her new awesome bubbler. Sammie and I decided sure, lets do a Jaeger Bomb... haven't since I was 18 - but why not? After that followed these amazingly delicious cookie-hashbrownies her and her boyfriend Jensen made. I only had half of one, Sammie had 2 full ones. Those take about 45 minutes to digest and get into your system, so in that 45 minutes we (Sammy, Kaley, and I) did a gravity bong and some salvia. By like 11:00pm my brain was done.
I also had too much fucking food but at least I didn't eat anything all day until about 8pm. Maybe that's why I didn't gain out of it? Two Coors Lights and I had some Hamburger Helper that Sammie offered me and I didn't want to be rude and turn it down. Then I had like 6 rabbit-shaped/easter themed sweet-tart candies. Then of course the brownie, and some cheetos to top it off. I get such a bad oral fixation / clench when I'm high/rolling/tripping. I constantly have to chew something, but I didn't have any SF gum on me. That reminds me to go to the store today and grab a huge pack. And some SF RedBull too. I'm so SO glad I didn't gain any weight. I seriously can't express that enough... I was terrified I would. I told myself I'd stop smoking weed for this very reason. NO MORE MUNCHIES. I need to get on that like asap.
Today is supposed to be a 200 calorie day, but it might be a fast. I'm not sure. I have no apetite right now.
@ 11:00am
"Breakfast" - 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter (380)
Now I'm done for the day.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Day 5
Weight: 127.4
Yesterday I was so depressed. I ended up going to lay in bed at 1pm, and I didn't really get out of bed until 9:30am this morning. I decided that going to my Medical Law & Ethics class his morning was not on my list of priorities today. Austin and I are completely over. He expressed to me last night that although he still deeply cared about me, he doesn't feel the way he used to about me, or the way I want him to anymore. This is really just another way of saying "I dont love you anymore." I'm absolutely devastated. There really is no other way to explain how I feel. I'm numb, shocked, betrayed, damaged, etc. Use whatever negative and dramatic synonym you'd prefer.
So, regarding the ABC diet I have so far lost four pounds. Hooray! I did tweak one thing - on days that are 100 calories, I have turned them into a fast, which means every 5 days I fast, which is today! Due to my situation with Austin and being entirely stripped of any self-worth or value I seemed to once have had, I have no apetite. I think today is going to be quite "blah" even though my now 5-Day-Weekend starts today. It's sunny and beautiful outside. I think Mother Nature is mocking me.
I noticed a big physical change today: my collar bones are much more defined, and I LOVE IT.
Ps: I want new friends who will do drugs with me.
Yesterday I was so depressed. I ended up going to lay in bed at 1pm, and I didn't really get out of bed until 9:30am this morning. I decided that going to my Medical Law & Ethics class his morning was not on my list of priorities today. Austin and I are completely over. He expressed to me last night that although he still deeply cared about me, he doesn't feel the way he used to about me, or the way I want him to anymore. This is really just another way of saying "I dont love you anymore." I'm absolutely devastated. There really is no other way to explain how I feel. I'm numb, shocked, betrayed, damaged, etc. Use whatever negative and dramatic synonym you'd prefer.
So, regarding the ABC diet I have so far lost four pounds. Hooray! I did tweak one thing - on days that are 100 calories, I have turned them into a fast, which means every 5 days I fast, which is today! Due to my situation with Austin and being entirely stripped of any self-worth or value I seemed to once have had, I have no apetite. I think today is going to be quite "blah" even though my now 5-Day-Weekend starts today. It's sunny and beautiful outside. I think Mother Nature is mocking me.
I noticed a big physical change today: my collar bones are much more defined, and I LOVE IT.
Ps: I want new friends who will do drugs with me.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Day 4
Weight: 128.2
Fuck fuck fuck, the weather sucks. I have a midterm today. I lost another pound. Oh, and I'm in a really pissy mood.
The End.
Calorie Limit: 400
@ 8:32am
"Breakfast" - 1 coke (180)
@ 11:50am
"Lunch" - 1 cup of white rice with butter (400) [PURGED]
Fuck fuck fuck, the weather sucks. I have a midterm today. I lost another pound. Oh, and I'm in a really pissy mood.
The End.
Calorie Limit: 400
@ 8:32am
"Breakfast" - 1 coke (180)
@ 11:50am
"Lunch" - 1 cup of white rice with butter (400) [PURGED]
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
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